Here We Go Again

Today was the big day.  Anticipated all summer by the littles, anticipated for several years by me.  The day I would install my offspring into their classrooms and walk away a free woman.  

I planned skipping.  And jumping.  Projects.  Cleaning.  Decluttering.  Painting.  I had Big Plans.  There was a list a mile long of what I was going to get done as soon as I had some child free hours to myself in which to accomplish it all.  I was going to relish my newfound free time and really make it count for something. 

I was worried there might be tears.  And clinging.  (I dread the clinging.)  Instead, both children were deeply disappointed to learn that they would be escorted to class this first momentous day.  "Mom," they said, "we know where we're going and what to do, just drop us off."  In the nicest way possible, I said, "Fat Chance."  I could barely keep up as we crossed the playground to drop off Big Sis first, (that may or may not have had anything to do with the two grocery bags FULL of paper, glue, tissues, wipes, and various other supplies for each child, I was carrying; I'm surprised my arms didn't fall off in the process).

The scene was nearly the same at both classrooms: obligatory posing for photos by the backpack, looking around for friends, "K-byemomIloveyouseeyouafterschool," rushing off to play on the playground, me standing there, them turning around to see me with a look that said "are you still here?", me still standing there, standing there, standing there, and finally deciding it was okay to go.   

As I finally made my way out of the school and slowly walked to my car I pondered these independent little gals.  What had happened in the night to transform them from Nervous Nellies to Daring Divas?  Where did that come from?  Surely I was proud of them.  Relieved that we had avoided the tears and clinging.   I kept waiting for the release, for the sense of Freedom to descend upon me, for the skipping and jumping.  

It didn't come.

I returned to the quiet house, waiting expectantly for me and my Big Plans.  I just stood in the doorway, unsure.  In all of my waiting and planning for this day I never imagined that I would feel so...so...lost.  Suddenly I realized that maybe I wasn't ready for this emptying nest.  In all my preparing my children for this day, I had neglected to truly prepare myself.  They were ready and anxious to get on with their new adventure and leave me behind, and I realized that I'm not quite ready for it.  

So, as I struggle to figure out, once again, who I am and what I'm doing in this new stage of motherhood, I've realized that there will be tears.  

And clinging.  

Definitely clinging.