Troll Tirade

Something has been bugging me lately. It's an itch I can't scratch so I'm just going to say it and let it go.

I'm a fan. I'm a fan of certain books and movies. I get a little crazy about my fandom sometimes, but it's just fun. Trust me, I'm most definitely grounded in reality. Sometimes crushed by Reality. Which is why I enjoy my fandemonium.

I get that not everyone is a fan of everything. I get that not everyone understands why someone could like something that they themselves don't like. Tirade alert: THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO CRAP ALL OVER SOMEONE ELSE'S EXCITEMENT!! Just because you yourself do not care for something doesn't mean that you are better than that person. It also doesn't mean that you now have free license to call them stupid or dumb, or worse, launch into a list of why that person has bad taste, or try to change their mind!! Because frankly, some of the stuff that you like, I think is dumb and in bad taste, but I think it's cool that you have something you like and get excited about. Go, you!

SO, let's all just quit being trolls, shall we?

Thanks, and good day.

Tirade over.

I should just keep my big mouth shut...

I just reread my last post. All optimism for the next big adventure after graduation. All bright shiny hope for what was on the other side of that Door of Opportunity. Well, I found out all right. And, it's been kicking my rear ever since. Why didn't I keep my wonderings to myself? It's almost like inviting the universe: "Come and get me, please!"

In the last month and a half I've feared for my sanity on a daily basis. That balance thing I was looking for when I started this blog all those months ago....yeah, that dream's been pretty much vaporized. But, the most amazing thing in all of this is the fact that I actually wouldn't change it if I could. It's been pretty amazing at times, and, in this moment, I think it's all worth it.

But, check back with me tomorrow. I might be ready for the men to bring me that nice white coat with all the shiny buckles....

Pomp and Circumstance

Two years ago, The Mr. came home late at night buzzing with energy and some excitement.  It was the first of two years worth of late nights he would spend working towards his MBA.  Nights and weekends were now defined by projects, presentations, conference calls, and team meetings.  Our week revolved around class nights and sometimes class weekends.  

Drama.           Work.            Stress.

Last night he came home late. 

Buzzing again.  

For the last time.

  

He's finished.  

Hallelujah!

It's bittersweet.  He's thrilled to be done with homework and presentations, late nights and projects.  I'm delighted to have the Mr. back full time.  I miss him when he's buried in school. However, he will miss the people.  The stimulating and challenging nature of working with intelligent and driven colleagues.  I'll miss having an evening or two a week where I can get away with PB&J for dinner and have the remote to myself, guilt-free.  

Once again we will both have to find a new rhythm, learn new steps, make a few adjustments.  So, it really isn't an ending, it's just another new beginning.  

I wonder where we'll end up this time?

Uncompromising Balance

Since I've had kids my life has been all about simplification.  Especially lately.  I've been trying to strip things down to the essentials.  To cut through all of the excess and get to what really matters, what is truly important.  I've been learning to say "No" to the extras so that I have more time, more energy, even more money to say "Yes" when it means the most.  It is a liberating feeling to shed the burdens, both physical and mental.  It's even more liberating to release myself from the guilt or even dissatisfaction that goes with the "not enough" philosophy.  

However (you knew it was coming, right?), I am finding that there are things that I don't want to simplify, my whole being rebels at the very idea.  It's probably also some of the things I most need to simplify.  I have jokingly referred to myself as having "Crafting ADHD" because I have far too many hobbies and bounce around doing too many projects and have too many Big Ideas.  I'm a total spaz when it comes to inspiration, and it's hard to settle on one thing for very long.  Most of the time I manage to complete the projects, but until they're done they take over my brain, my life, my house, and my money.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of times when I get the Big Idea, make purchases for the Big Idea, and then fizzle.  It's embarrassing to admit, but I have a whole room full of fizzled Big Ideas.  This is an area of my life that is ripe for simplification, ready to cut out the excess of Big Ideas that take over my life and Fizzlers that suck up space in my brain and in my house.   I know I should take control of those Big Ideas and change them into Little Ideas that don't take over my life.  Or if I can't manage to simplify the idea, then I need to say "No" before it simply becomes another Fizzler.  

I.   just.  can't.  do.  it.

I've thought about this.   A lot.  Why am I unable to successfully simplify here?  

Here's what I've discovered:  my life right now is full of compromises, it's full of accepting less than the ideal.  Not in a bad way.  It's actually very positive that I've been able to let go of enough perfectionism that I can actually live my life and be happy with what is rather than what I think it should be.  It's healthier for me and it's healthier for my family.  It's being flexible and adaptable and it's necessary.  My life and my work right now is so very intangible.  Most of what I do all day every day is not something to be seen or held or measured.  So, when I actually do have something that I've worked on, spent time on, something that will last longer than 5 minutes, I don't want to compromise.  I want to be able to dream big and create big.  I want perfection.  I don't think that's such a bad thing.  It's balance.  It's retaining control or perfectionism in one small area of my life so that I can relinquish control and perfectionism in the areas of my life where those two qualities would do the most damage.  

And, balance, that precarious juggling act of everyday life, is the whole point.

Right?

On How I Became the Warrior Mama

I had another one of those moments today.  The ones where I suddenly realize, again, that I'm on a different path than many of the people around me; a path I never expected to tread.  

Years ago when I thought about becoming a mother I was nervous and excited.  I wanted to be the Ideal Mom.  The one who baked cookies with the children and rolled around on the floor with them,  played games, read books, sang songs, snuggled, giggled, kissed and cuddled, and taught them all of the wonders in the world and out of it.  I had this romantic Super Mom image in my head created from all of my reading as a child about the kind of cool, fun, loving, and Perfect Mother I was going to be.  I thought it would come naturally and easily to me simply because I wanted so much to be that person, I would find a way to make it happen.

When we had a little trouble getting pregnant as quickly as we wanted it was only a little fly in my ointment.  I tried to remain positive as I watched friends bellies swell, went to baby showers, and sat watching these new mothers beam with pride and gloating over their little accomplishments.   The comments about wanting to see us "get started" stung a little, but I tried to brush it aside with the thought that it would happen for us "when the time was right".  And, it did happen, as it so often does, when I had given up trying to remain in control.  When I finally relaxed and committed it to the hands of the Lord, it did come.  And I was happy.  It was exciting to finally begin to plan in earnest.

Fast forward a few months into my pregnancy and all was going well. We had just returned from a fun trip to Disneyland and I was starting to swell just a bit going into my last trimester.  When I walked into my doctor's office that week for a check-up I had no idea that I would not be going home until I had delivered a baby.  The swelling was worse than I knew.  I was dumping protein.  The test at the doctor's office sent me to the hospital for a more conclusive test, which concluded I needed a 24 hour test, which concluded that I had full blown preeclampsia and would be on bed rest at the hospital until I could no longer carry the baby.  For a young couple, embarking on our first parenting experience this was overwhelming and completely new.   In neither of our families did we have experience with this kind of birth drama.  As we navigated the difficult waters of trying to understand our situation, trying to make wise decisions about our situation when we didn't understand it, and trying to reassure ourselves and our families about what we didn't truly understand, I had no idea that this would become a pattern of our lives as parents.

When my precious little girl finally entered this world, 9 weeks early, precariously premature and tiny (3 lbs!), I could only focus on the miracle of her birth and the preservation of her life and mine.  I could only get through one day at a time as we both recovered.  

It was the Mr. who first had to embrace his role as Warrior Dad, to be strong enough to protect me and our child from Too Much of Everything.  He had to deal with doctors, nurses, administrators, family, friends, all who had something to tell us or some decision for us to make, or who themselves wanted Answers from us.  Answers we so often didn't have.  And he did it.  He was our rock.  Our Protector.  Our Knight in shining Adidas.  It was his strength and courage to stand up for us that gave me the strength and courage to stand up for my girl and fight for what we thought was best for her.  The doctors and nurses and administrators didn't always understand or agree with our choices.  I'm sure our families didn't either.  But we did what we thought was best for her, and we did it together because we were a Family now.  Even if it wasn't the ideal picture I had created in my head.  

We had landed in the land of the Preemies, Complications, Developmental Delays, and eventually Autism, and we had a much different journey to take than the one we had planned.  Upon our arrival in this strange new world we had to quickly adjust to new rules, new directions, new skills, and a whole new language.  It's taken nearly 8 years of learning to adapt to this new destination, and I find that I'm constantly making little adjustments all along as our path changes and alters abruptly here and there.  

Today as I sat at the school I felt another adjustment coming upon us.  I felt the drum of my heartbeat as I started to mentally suit up for another battle, another skirmish in defense of my child brewing.  I'm more prepared today than I was all those years ago.  I've got some experience, gained some weapons, and some confidence I wish I had had when this all started.  

At least now I know who I am, what my role is.  

I am the Warrior Mama.  

Bring it on.

A Contest Entry

Being new to blogging I've found that other bloggers often participate in contests, giveaways, and other such giddy madness.  It's kind of like gambling, you know your odds for winning are incredibly small, but a little part of you whispers, "yes, but what if I won?!"  

Well, I've found myself a contest to enter.  Below is my entry.  Thanks to the ladies at TodaysMama!

This is contest entry for those crazy folks at TodaysMama and Cricut. Be sure to check out Cricut's cool new cartridges and the chance at $30,000 in travel for you and your friends at the Great Gypsy Escape site! http://bit.ly/FWcud

Great Escape Meme
1. If you could escape to anywhere in the world where would it be? 

Beachly delights:  Bora Bora, Bali, or Tahiti   

Mountain retreats: Switzerland, B.C. Canada, or Scotland.
2. What song do you play when you are by yourself in the car? 

Right now I'm totally hooked on "Hot Air Balloon" by Owl City.  Funny, it's a bit about escape too!
3. If you had a night to yourself, and money was no object, what would you do? 

If it's just me I'm heading to the spa for the works: massage, mani/pedi, maybe even hair & makeup too.  Then I'd grab the Mr. and we'd go out: dinner at our favorite place,  the Melting Pot (mmmmm, fondue), theater of some kind, find some stars to gaze at and just talk.

4. What is your guilty pleasure? 

OK-I'll come clean.  I'm a TwilightMom.
5. What is the farthest place you have traveled away from your home? 

Farthest East: Berlin, Germany

Farthest West: Oahu, Hawaii
6. Last book that you couldn't put down? 

The Actor and The Housewife, by Shannon Hale
  7. When you want to escape into another time, what movie do you watch? 

Pride and Prejudice (BBC version please) OR Lord of the Rings/Pirates of the Caribbean.

8. What is your favorite local escape? 

Zuma Beach or Griffith Observatory if I don't have a lot of time, Huntington Library & Gardens if I have more time, Disneyland or Big Bear if we have a whole day.
9. How do you escape on a budget? 

I have a library card.  A whole universe of adventure and escape that fits in my purse!  It's like magic.

(Beaches, Griffith, local gardens and open space is all free here!  I know - SPOILED!)

Best food you've ever had while on vacation. 

Single Best Dish:  Huli Huli chicken at Duke's, Waikiki Beach, HI.  Someday I WILL get back there.

Best Overall Food Experience: Disney Cruise Line.  My family would cruise with them again just for the food.  YUM.

And, true to form I can't seem to narrow it all down to just one answer.  Life has too many exciting options, I want them all!  It's good to have dreams, right?!

Sick Bed Sweetness...

I've spent the last week and a half coughing until everything hurt, and then coughing some more.  As I watched the toys, papers, and laundry pile up around me while I sat helplessly gasping for air, I was reminded of my dominant feeling about being sick.  Anger.  The Mr. sat chuckling at me the other night after I ranted about the vagaries of being sick.  

"You're funny when you're sick."  He said.  "You get mad at being sick.  It's funny."

I wanted to shout, "Look around you!  This is what happens when I'm sick; we drown in a wasteland of our STUFF!  We eat chicken nuggets and cereal for dinner!  I forget Important Papers that come home from school!  You have no clean socks or underwear!"  

Instead I had a coughing fit.  

Somehow, in my hyperventilating state, I was able to find some beauty in life, even though I myself was far from being able to provide it.  And, since I'm a big fan of lists (I love lists like Kermit loves Miss Piggy, I could probably write a whole paper on why I heart lists), I shall provide my bits of beauty in list form:

1.  After a particularly bad night of coughing and sleeplessness I woke up with a "feel better" card on my tummy and a bright smiley Big Sis delighted to see me and give me a hug first thing in the morning.

2.  Good friends who showed up bearing delicious food and good wishes just because they heard I was sick and wanted to help.

3.  Ahhhh, Nyquil.  My friend.

4.  The girls both being in school so I could drop them off and come home and go back to bed.

5.  The Mr.  who slept on the couch for 5 nights in a row so that I could be comfortable and get some sleep without worrying about my coughing fits waking him up.  He must love me.

See?  Life is good.